When the Lilacs are in Bloom...

Things have not been going well for me recently. I feel like a liar, and I hate lies. I feel I can't even be true during therapy and I know I shouldn't be like that and it isn't the point. But there are things I just don't feel strong enough to talk about.

I am a liar. Or maybe rather an actress? The point being, I pretend a lot. I play the part of me I want everyone to see because that's easier and safer. But at the same time I keep suffocating myself. I met with my friends recently, for the first time since October. I really missed them. But meeting with them only made me feel more sad. Especially with one of them, who is living the life I always wanted. In my sadness, I even tried tarot cards reading and they only told me I would only barely achieve what I want, and not even all of that. Then, my other friend told me once you get a tarot reading, you are pretty much solidifying that it will come true. I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know what to believe.

Last year this month I was excited for a trip with my friend. I was counting down to my trip to Japan. This year, everything seems to be going the wrong way. My friends don't have time or money, they keep canceling on me and I feel lonely again. I feel like I'm back in middle school, watching my classmates have fun with their friends and I am alone. The worst is, this time, I really shouldn't feel that way. Because technically I do have friends. They just don't have time for me. And I'm not going to ask them for it. As always, I am emotionally tied to one person and I know they are not going to return it. They're married with kid on the way. They don't have time for me. And I cannot expect them to. But after each of our rare meetings, I have to grief the lose of our friendship again and again. And I am too tired of it.

I have grieved so many loses in my life. I promised myself I would never open up again. I was so used to loneliness I couldn't even feel it anymore. And yet I made friends again. And years later I am left gieving again. I never wanted to feel like this again and yet here we are. I'm sick of all the medicines, the antidepressants, I am tired of therapy and everybody telling me to "go out, open up more, make some friends!" Bullshit. This is such a bullshit. Stop telling me as if that's so easy. People leave. They will always leave in the end. But in the end, it doesn't even matter...

Nobody can really promise me to stay. Nobody can promise not to leave me. I am needy and I have too high expectations. To feel that need of mine, someone would have to put me above themselves. And I cannot promise returning that. So it is easier to just stay away from me.

I wish someone could love me. Anyone. Just love me. And stay.

When the Lilacs are in Bloom...

Akemi 03/05/2024 13:30