The losses

I honestly didn't plan on writing daily, and yet here we are. I think back in the days I did the same thing. I was always so excited for a new blog I couldn't wait for a new day to write the next post. Anyway, working on this site brought many things back to me. Many memories. Among them, the memories of losses. I experienced the first death when I was still a kid. It was my grandpa, but it didn't change too much for me, because I had barely known him. He'd lived in different city and even during my trips we hadn't intereacted much. I have probably two memories of him.

It is easier when elder people die. My other grandpa passed away when I was already an adult, studying at the uni. Similarly with my great-grandma. They had both been pretty sick before, so it was easier. Especially with grandpa who had suffered from Alzheimer's. Then grandma passed a year later. This hit me hard, because she had been talking with us on the phone just day before, after her surgery. I cried a lot during the funeral.

There were two losses I still have troubles getting used to. One of them was the friend I mentioned in the post yesterday. While recovering old blogs through Web Archive site I managed to learn the exact date of her passing. I also managed to see one of her friends commented on her blog in 2018 when it was still up. I don't know who that person was. I don't know where any of those people who knew her, or both of us, are now. My bus passes by the neighbourhood where her high school was every day when I go to and from work. It is a weird feeling. This year, the first year when I know her passing's date, on that day I plan on attending a convention with my friends. And you know what, it actually makes me feel a little better. When I knew her, I had no friends. Probably why she was so important to me - because she was one of the few people I interacted with apart from my family. And in my heart I know she always wished me well. I believe she really liked me, even though we weren't that close. But during the short time we knew each other, I felt connected to her. So I am glad that this year, on her death's anniversary, I will be able to think "Hey, look at me! I'm not alone anymore! I made it!" It may sound silly, but it brings me a little bit of closure.

The final loss I have to mention hit me just before joining middle school. To this day, it has been the hardest one to overcome, and I wonder if I will ever get over it. I was 12 when my mother got pregnant. I was barely 13 when my baby brother passed away. He got infected with sepsis at the hospital. I remember visiting him and praying in the hospital chapel for him to recover. He was so tiny. We don't even have any pictures of him. Recently I was shopping with my parents, and mum met her old co-worker. They both were pregnant at the same time. That woman was with her son, a fully grown teenager. Somehow I still cannot connect a tall teen with that little baby I remember from years ago. I constantly wonder what he'd be like. Would he like the same things I do? Would we watch anime or play games together? Would we fight over the PC or any of the consoles? Would we have the dog I have now? Those are the questions I will never know the aswear to.

I made him a place on my island in Animal Crossing. I deleted this island later, but I plan on making another area on the new one. I like to imagine Wisp is a ghost of my little brother who comes to play the game with me. When my dog passes away one day, I'd like her to go directly to my brother. I wish they would wait for me together on the other side. I am not that good of a person. I often worry I won't be able to reach Heaven after I die, guilty of my sins. But I hope I am good enough of a person to meet my loved ones in the afterlife anyway.

That was a sad post, huh. My past blog used to be rather sad too. By the way, it is interesting how some spaces feel easier to vent. I wouldn't write all of that on any social media platform, even on blogspot I wouldn't feel comfortable enough. Maybe those kind of thoughts are something I should write down in a diary, in a notebook. But it doesn't feel the same. Writing here feels like throwing things into the void. I think the old internet felt like that too - the endless void of content you could've gotten lost in. Technically I am not anonymous here, I know that. It is so easy to just type my nickname into google and find all of my profiles. On the other hand, who would come here searching for me? I am not by any means popular. My drawings and fanfics never get any attention. I used to worry about that more, but now it's fine if I get just 3 nice comments. Nothing of what I write would influence my work. On social media everyone craves attention, the likes and the views. That's why I don't feel comfortable opening up there. But this place here is just the part of the void. If you find it - cool! If you don't - that's fine with me too. Sometimes we need to take a step back. Not everything in our lives needs the audience of millions. Sometimes, just those 3 or 10 people are fine too.

It would be the most ironic if somehow I got popular due to this blog. The chances are small, but still. However, I don't care right now. I learnt I cannot worry about every single little potential thing or I will go crazy. For now, I'm just happy with my little space here. And what happens after that, the time will tell.

Akemi 21/05/2023 12:48

When the lilacs are in bloom

When does this story start, I wonder. Did it begin 13th August, years ago, or did it begin this one fateful afternoon, when, after watching cartoons I decided to give this one show a shot. Or maybe it began with my dad buying our old PC, connecting it to the internet for the first time and 13-years-old me registering her first e-mail address on a site which also allowed blogging. The number 13 sure likes me, huh.
Anyways, hi. This would feel much more like the old times if I was writing in Polish, but since the entire site is going to be in English, blogging in Polish wouldn't make sense. Creating an oldschool site, recovering all the resources from 2000s sure feels nostalgic and it awakened so many memories in me. I thought I have burried them deep, and yet here I am, reliving 2006-11 in a flashback. It is... a lot. I've been through a lot. I haven't even realised how things actually changed until just now. Wow.

Anyway, let me tell you a little about the past. My past, to be exact. The universe seems to have aligned for me to start a brand new blog in May, when my favourite flowers are in bloom. Some things do not change, you see. I am in the same flat as back then - different room, but the walls are the same. The interior, the view outside my window, they might have changed, but the windowsill is still the same, my bedroom is still my bedroom and the lilac trees are still growing under our building. And they are in bloom now.

You probably wonder why I'm talking about these flowers so much. That's because they are really important. They are as important to me now as they were when I was 16 or 13 or even 11. They are directly tied to my memories of Beyblade V-Force, which has been my favourite anime since I was a kid. It's a long story I will tell a different day. Back to the main topic though, I started blogging when I was 13 and I had SO MANY various blogs it is crazy. I can't even remember them all! I used to make them and abandon them. There were a few I was the most dedicated to. And among those few was my most beloved blog simply titled Cassidy. It does not exist anymore and I was unable to recover it, which makes me sad. On the other hand, maybe it's better this way. That blog was full of my pain and sadness I was unable to deal with as a teenager. I stopped writing it in 2011 when I realised another girl who was using the same blogging platform, and whom I was kind of online friends with, passed away. I don't know if she considered me a friend, but I thought so about her. Her death hit me really hard.

It felt really weird when one day I realised I was already older than she'd been when she had passed.

That one blog was also the one tied to Polish Beyblade fandom. If I have any regrets, not interacting with these people more is one of them. And the way I did interact would be another. I was this 15-year-old with practically no IRL friends and complicated family situation, Beyblade was my "safe space" and whenever someone wrote about my favourite characters in a way I didn't like, I lashed out at them, wrote some stupid comments and then ran away from the website never to be seen again. It took me, what, 10 years? to get over some stuff I said. When I think about those times, my mental state seemed like a dream. If you're familiar with Evanescence's Bring Me to Life (which you SHOULD be, becuase it's such a good song!), there's this quote I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems, got to open my eyes for everything. This is exactly what this period of my life feels like when I thing about it now.

Finally, Cassidy. It was my old nickname I used in Polish Beyblade fandom. Except I shouldn't have, because technically I have never been Cassidy. She is my oldest OC, I created her in elementary school and she's been living in my head ever since. It is difficult to explain who or what Cassidy is to me, but I plan to write about her later anyway. By the way, I was using a lot of verious nicknames in my life, most of them I don't even remember. Interestingly enough, the nickname I use now, Akemi, has its origin in a Bleach parody fanfic blog I was writing at the age of 14. I literally chose it randomly from a list of Japanese names I found online and after so long I am unable to let it go.

This whole site is still a work in progress - it is a mess and I am learning HTML as I go (I never had an opportunity to learn it as a teen), but I am super excited to have my space on the internet again. A space which is not social media, because let's be honest, they are taking over and shrinking the internet, and I am tired of it. So please, enjoy my little space here - I hope you will find it interesting :)

The losses

Akemi 21/05/2023 12:48

When the lilacs are in bloom

Akemi 20/05/2023 11:48