Last day of 2023

Hi. Long time no see. I'm surprised I'm back to writing this blog. Well, not exactly surprised. I wanted to write earlier, especially after the convention and after I came back from Japan. Wow, that sounds so cool - "back from Japan"! Anyway, what surprises me is that I am always back with the same feeling. The feeling of nostalgia and searching for something. I've had this feeling since my early childhood and I still can't explain it. Like I'm missing something in my heart and I don't know what it is or where to find it. And yet, I keep searching.

Well, nevermind that. It was a good year for me. I did a lot of fun things and I was to a lot of fun places. Even the hectic stuff, like my work, eventually resolved itself just before Christmas. I know there is still a lot ahead, but for now, it is relatively peaceful. Which I cannot say about my Christmas, sadly. It was probably the worst Christmas I experienced - my parents argued, my dog didn't want to behave, the weather was awful and a lot of small stuff happened that added together was just so tiresome. I ended up having two uncontrollable cry attacs (can you call it that?) and in the end, I am glad I'm back at home and the Christmas is over. Oh, and my graphic tablet broke. I hate the nostalgia I feel right now. It is a sad feeling and I don't like sad things. I miss the times when I was still a teen and I wish I could experience it again, but with the people who are now around me. With my current friends. Which would've been impossible since we come from different places. But I wish I could have had some peaceful teenage years. I wish the world was what it used to be over a decade ago.

I am not making New Year resolutions. I never managed to keep any of them. Well, maybe one, which was to cut my hair, but it was such a small thing, and I already had an appointment booked at the hairdresser before the New Year so it doesn't count. But I certainly have some wishes. I wish I could draw more, write more, finally create the stuff I've had in my mind for years... I wish I could be at peace and spend more time with my friends. I wish my existence stopped causing me pain. (Depression can be such a bitch, tbh.) I am scared this year was so good I won't be able to ever repeat it.

I wish I were able to be more than I am. More, than I'm allowing myself to be.

As I said, 2023 was a good year. I made new friends - sadly, they live in different cities. I managed to finally visit Japan, after wishing for 17 years I would. I bought decorations for my birthday and we had a small family party - and I even recieved gifts from some friends! And I finally managed to play games on Switch with my friend. This might sound silly to some, that it's such a big thing for me, but I always wanted to play console games together with someone, and I finally did. Oh, by the way, I'm listening to some songs on Spotify and the one playing right now is titled You're Not Alone. If I could see the teenage me and tell her one thing, I would hug her and tell her those exact words. That she woulnd't be alone in her future. That she would manage to do a lot of fun things and meet a lot of nice people.
I'm doing better, I know that, but there is still something ahead. Except I don't know what. I fulfilled my lifetime goal - now what? I used to do Tarot readings on the 1st of January. But I figured, sometimes it is better not to know. I don't want to know what actually is gonna happen in my future. At the same time, I wish I knew. I wish I knew it would be alright. But what if this knowledge would influence my choices and make me destroy the peace I would've otherwise achieved?

Life is complicated. Feelings are complicated. I'm sitting in my bedroom, alone, as I usually do on New Year's Eve. I will probably play some games later. For whatever reason, I am nervous. I don't like changes. I don't like endings. They make me sad. But the life has to go on and there is nothing I can do about it. Well.

I feel like I should go back to work LOL. When I'm at home I'm overthinking. At work I don't have so much time to think about things and then when I come back I'm usually too tired. Never would have expeced I'd miss work.

Last day of 2023

Akemi 31/12/2023 16:19